The Sandwich Man

(sung to "The Candy man")

Who can take a sunrise
Sprinkle it with bread.
Cover it in cheese with some Miracle whip or two,
The Sandwich Man, The Sandwich Man can.
The Sandwich Man can 'cause he makes it with love
and makes the world taste good.

Who can take a rainbow
Wrap it in a bun
Toast it in the oven and make a he'nly combo.
The Sandwich man, The Sandwich Man can.
The Sandwich man can 'cause he slathers it with love
and makes the bread taste good.

So here is a little background.  Friday morning, oh around 10 I say to myself, "Abby, you are going to be up all night, you need to start inundating yourself with caffeine."  So I went to Conoco, as luck would have it they had a bacon, egg, and cheese bagel, so I swiped that up along with a 32-ounce Coke.  Man, I love Coke.  Anyhoo, the day progresses.  Around Noon, me interior monologue begins again, "You are going to be up all night, get some more caffeine and you will be just fine."  So I went back to good old Conoco and got a refill.  Caffeine count: 64 ounces.  I told Steve I wanted to leave work around 1 so, I went home to load up the car and so some light cleaning before we left for Richfield.  My tummy was rumbling so I looked in the fridge.  Nothing!  I had cleaned out the fridge the day before (because it was garbage day) and my fridge was bare.  I looked in the pantry.  Everything in there required me to use the stove and I haven't touched the thing since I started it on fire a few months ago (Matt does all the cooking).  I poked my nose around some more, but to no avail.  Then I remember that Matt made some pink popcorn.  Score!  As I was eating my nutritious lunch the monologue started up again, "You need some more caffeine, sure you will have to run to the bathroom, but you will be able to stay up, besides, who knows when your turn on the track will be, you might me walking at 2 in the morning, you need the caffeine."  I, of course, agreed with myself and headed up to Chilly's (they have really good ice and it is much closer to my house)  32 more ounces of coke and 3 sugar daddy's (the popcorn just wasn't that fulfilling).  Caffeine count: 96 ounces.  So, I head back home and the kids are over to mom's playing so I figure I should do a little bonding time with them before I leave.  I spend some time over to mom's and then Matt arrives and we hop into the car and head to Richfield.  We stop in Scipio (also because they have the good ice) because Matt says he needs some caffeine.  I figure, might as well have some more: 32 more ounces.  Caffeine count: 128 ounces. 

We arrive at the Relay for Life.  It was awesome.  They had the opening ceremonies and the survivor walk.  

Then everybody decided to get some dinner.  Cory mentions "Hey, how 'bout Subway."  Everyone dismisses the suggestions (but a seed was planted in the back of my brain) and decides to support the Relay and have dinner there.  Inner monologue: "Finally some food.  You have way to much energy and you need to soak up some of that caffeine."  We head over there.  I am not a fan of Dutch oven.  Especially when they smother EVERYTHING in gravy.  So I had a few bites of Matt's so-called "pork" which tasted just like turkey and then helped Sam eat his hot dog.  Shauna arranged the walking hours.  Matt and I were slated to walk the nine and ten hours.  So it rolls around and we hop on the track.  We made a few laps and suddenly I smelled the most delicious smell.  It was like I was walking down Main Street in Disneyland.  I sent Matt to go find out what that smell was.  He came back with a great big bag of cotton candy.   So, by 10:00 at night I had eaten a bacon egg and cheese bagel, lots of pink popcorn, 1 sugar daddy (Max stole the others), a bag of cotton candy, turkey/pork, and 128 ounces of caffeine.  Needless to say, I was jumping off the walls. 

So about 1 o'clock, Sharon pulls out the Uno cards and I see Matt and Brandon with some sandwiches.  I force them to go back and get a sandwich for Sharon and myself.  Now, I have NEVER been a sandwich person.  School lunches for me consisted of crackers and cheese, soup, and maybe a banana.  Never a sandwich.  I hate sandwiches.  I hate bread.  Condiments aren't my bag.  Lunch meat is weird.  The texture, the smell.  Eeeww.  So Matt and Brandon bring us back sandwiches and suddenly music starts filling my head.  Suddenly I hear a voice start singing the Sandwich Man sung to the tune of the Candy man.  Yes, I had taken a bite out of heaven.  I could hear myself praise sandwiches up and down, over and over.  I had, not one, not two, but three sandwiches.  And the entire time I was eating them I was raving about how awesome sandwiches are.  How sandwiches are God's greatest gift to mankind.  Finally around 3:30 I gave up and got some shut eye.

The next morning, I woke up and I wanted to DIE.  Sandwiches are not God's greatest gift to mankind.  Sandwiches are evil.  I felt like I got ran over by a steam roller.  It felt like I had a sandwich wedged in my sternum.  I hate sandwiches.  Sandwiches are from the devil.  I have learned a very important life lesson this weekend.  Sugar and caffeine are very fickle friends.  Don't trust them.  Sure they taste good and they give you a little extra kick, but you will pay for it later.  In summation:  Sandwiches - bad.  Sugar - good, but bad later.  Caffeine - very good, but very bad later.   Family - good.   Cotton Candy - good.  Sugar daddy - good.  Pink popcorn - good.  Relay for Life - Good